Love One Another

I was really touched by a talk I heard back in September but now I can't find it anywhere online, so I am recounting my notes and thoughts. I just wish I could read it again. However in googling it I found a women who blogged about it so well and described some of the same emotions that I felt that it was the best I could come to actually finding the publication of the talk.

Courtney wrote what follows:

Elder Jensen spoke of the many "different" people in the church. He explained how there is a certain culture surrounding the gospel (naturally), and how many people do not fit in to this particular mold. The classic (but true, all the same) examples of being divorced, single, widowed make people feel as though they don't belong, but also those who struggle with depression or eating disorders or those who have loved ones who are going through difficult times. Those who are minorities or those who have physical disabilities. As he listed all these people, I started to wonder how anyone feels like they belong in this culture. And that was one of his biggest points. He said, "everyone is a lost sheep. everyone has their failings, and everyone has their differences."

More often than not, I do not feel like I belong at church. I am not naturally out-going, and I rarely feel like I have people to talk to at church. Particularly now that we are in a new ward, I wonder if we will ever find our place. But I loved how Elder Jensen spoke about how it was our duty to include everyone. I've come to realize over the past couple years that there are very few people who don't need new friends. It's still hard for me to reach out to anyone, but realizing that has helped me a little bit.

Elder Jensen opened his talk by speaking about his younger brother, who had brain damage due to birth complications. The brother was often the brunt of much ridicule as a boy, and I felt so much shock at how people feel free to mock those with obvious disabilities. Then I read this post at By Common Consent today and thought the same thing. It scares me to have kids. I don't want them to be made fun of, but I'm also terrified that they will make fun of other kids.

One of the most important things I want-- need-- to teach my children is true compassion and understanding of others' feelings. Hopefully by making this a priority they won't make fun of other kids and when they are adults, they will reach out to those in need (well, I hope they do both things regardless of being a child or an adult).

I'm not sure where the church culture comes from that makes others feel alienated. I feel like I know more people who don't fit the perfect mold than those who do, but perhaps that's because I gravitate towards normal, real people. :)

I was very happy to find this blog post because it very much reflected how I feel. I work closely with people with disabilities as well have close family members who are disabled. I think of my cousin Chainey, who had Spina Bifida, when he was born. To think that anyone could ever tease him because he walks with a walker or sometimes uses a wheel chair kills me. I want to protect him but I know he is a strong boy. I also, like Courtney, want to teach my children (when I have children) to be accepting and love others.

I have felt very awkward before in wards and currently do. Its getting a little better but I still feel like the "special guest" that sticks out in the group like a sore thumb. For the first 3 months of being in our ward, we would only attend sacrament meeting. 3 weeks ago we started to attend all of our meetings and my first Sunday in Relief Society they introduced me as the "special guest" even though I had been in the ward for 3 months and they had already introduced all the new people and did the announcements and sang the opening song. I am sure they meant well but I just felt out of place.

I know most of them know that my husband and I were not married in the temple and most probably (more than I would like) know about our previous activity in the church, to me I feel out of place and awkward somewhat because of this. I am trying to be more outgoing in our ward, I even agreed to meet at 8:20 tonight to do my visiting teaching (my partner is the relief society president) and I signed up to do the October Craft on the 29th.

I know the church is true... the people don't always have me in fits of joy to go to activities but I know the simple fact that since Dan and I have centered our life on a common goal of working towards being better people we have been blessed in all aspects of our lifes. Heavenly Father blesses us and I can feel his love. I have always been very hard on myself and find that I feel guilty about most things I do and feel like their is no way Heavenly Father could love me.

This is the first time in my life that I feel like I have made the right decisions in working with our bishop and working towards our goal to be sealed together forever and that what we chose to do was right for us and we will be blessed. As often as I have seen people rush into marriage or dishonestly go through the temple I am glad we have waited and the joy of our sealing and our marriage has been so better because of this.

News Flash

I am overweight. I have struggled with my weight almost my entire life. I remember feeling fat in kindergarten, your average say 6 year old doesn't not (should not) come up with this idea on their own and I don't remember classmates telling me that I was fat so I pretty much know the source... Anyway I look back and I was a normal 6 year old, just tall. Whatever, I am far older than 6 and the self esteem body issue damage has been done and all I can do is work through how I feel.

Time goes by. I get to be a freshman in high school, I am doing okay, I am still overweight but in the grand scheme of things I was relatively normal for an adult. Then my parents go through their divorce. I get really angry and depressed and food became a comfort. I gained a lot of weight in high school and I wish I could go back to those days and reorganize my behavior and unhealthy eating habits. But regrets die hard and we move on, right?

I get to college. Now I am significantly overweight. I go through my freshman year and finish and realize I hate being overweight. I start doing weight watchers and lose a lot of weight, yet I become obsessive about it and it didn't end up being the healthiest thing for me at that time in my life. I was convinced my life would be so much better if I was thin. I was wrong. It did make me susceptible to the male audience that I had never received attention from and little did I know at the time most guys that I met in Provo did not want to get to know me for my mind.

So heart break, heart break, abusive relationships, heart break, etc occur.

Then I get sick... I get so awesomely sick that I can't get out of bed or go to school for that semester. I get so sick that I can't run which was my life line to staying thin at that time. I pick myself up have some more abuse and heart break and then I meet Dan. Dan accepted me for the "man hating basket case" that I was at the time. He saw me and wanted to know me. I am so thankful for him. He sees me through my Pseudotumor Cerebri and then is my husband when I find out about my insulin resistance.

Now I am at the state where I have had 3 significant health issues in the past year and a half and have gained back most of the weight I lost originally. I need to lose weight in order to be a healthy person but now I realize I don't need to lose weight to be accepted. I think about my future and my children and I now want to change for completely different reasons.
I am a public health major. I have a great worth of knowledge about what it takes for people to live long lives and be healthy. I know I am one of the only overweight people in my classes but still I come everyday and talk about lowering peoples risk for diabetes and childhood obesity levels. I think to myself... "will I ever be a marketable candidate for a position if I cannot portray myself as living what I preach?"

Well by the demands of my doctor and her threats on my future I am back on healthy regime. I don't mind it, I actually quite prefer it, however sometimes I fear my obsessive competitive attitude will manifest in an unhealthy way. Dan has me in check however.

I miss running. I used to run, a lot. I used to run all over Provo and I miss that dearly. I am not working into getting into the perfect pair of jeans, I am not looking to set off on the runways of New York or Paris or even Provo.... I am looking to run again, because when I ran I felt so free.
This may be of interest to absolutely no one, but these are the things I don't tell people. These are the things I hide away from peers and friends. Well guess what, I'm not hiding anymore.

With new illness comes new insight

I am overcoming my fear of doctors... because I find that when I go, I usually find out good information that helps me over come my health problems... who would have thought!!

I am anxiously awaiting to find out more about a metabolic disorder my doctor thinks I may have due to a skin discoloration on my leg that I have had since, well, as long as I remember. Well the skin discoloration is not the reason I have the metabolic disorder but it is related to this metabolic disorder. As she went through all the things that happens with this disorder... I was like "hey lady thats my life story!"

I want to live a healthy life. I am a Public Health major. I want to be a nurse. I love the health care field and all things medical. Its is a shock to me at times why I am so unhealthy. I want to be able to run and enjoy my life. Running is one of my favorite activities but I haven't been able to for a while. I want to have children. That is probably the thing I want most in this world. I also don't want to develop Diabetes which can happen with insulin resistance and metabolic problems.

Anyway I hope all goes well. As difficult as it may be to go through these health problems, its better knowing what is wrong than continuing on in life always feeling sick and miserable. I look forward to a healthier life but at the same time if I have insulin resistance and crappy hormones, I will need to give up carbs! But still I would rather live without carbs if that means I can fix a lot of my current health problems and prevent them from becoming more complicated issues.

Anyway in short I am glad I finally went to the doctor after canceling my appointment 3 times!

I get to figure this all out and start school next Tuesday!!! WOOO HOOO!

Half Day

I had a half day from work today due to BYU graduation (NEXT YEAR IT WILL BE ME!)

I had a few ideas of what I could do with my afternoon off... 1st go see a movie and 2nd go on a hike. I decided to take the hike. Going to the movie would enable me to escape my life for an hour and a half and the hike would make me think about my life for an hour and a half.

I have not hiked my favorite little hike up at vivian park up Provo canyon in a year. I love this hike because I have been taking it every summer that I have lived here in Provo. At my best condition (which I am not at or close to right now) I could run the trail and loved it. Today I simply walked and huff and puffed my way through my thoughts. I thought about what is important to me and what kind of person I want to be. I can be a pessimist and often feel like something bad is going to happen.

I think the thing I need to focus on is not when life is going to end but what I am doing while I am alive. Does my husband know how much I absolutely love him? Does my mom know how much she has done for me and taught me? Does my family know how much I need them as a support and how much I love spending time with them? and the list goes on and on. I fear for so much but sometimes I forget to live instead of just be afraid.

I love Daniel. I think thats the thing I thought about the most on my hike. I love him and I want to be the women he deserves because he is more than the man I deserve. I have never had someone so patient with me when I can be so inpatient and often say something and just kick myself for having opened my mouth. I want to work towards being a better person for myself and for the one person I love more than anything in my life.

I think I picked the right afternoon activity. When the hike was over all I wanted to do was see my Daniel and hold him.

Brittany's Wedding Diary

You don't need to read this... its my thoughts on my wedding... Its not complete and Its very long...

I was thinking about it the other day and I have not written down my feelings and thoughts surrounding our wedding... Seeing as not too many people read this blog I will write it here as a place to put it till I have my wedding scrapbook done and I can put it in there.

Leading up to our wedding day:

The days leading up to our trip down to Arizona were exciting. I honestly could not believe the time had come for us to finally get married. In the course of just a few months I had moved 3 times and was exhausted. I stayed with Dan's parents the last 5 days before we left for our wedding. I had just finished my 1 class that I was taking spring term and was anxious to get to Arizona. There were so many times that I wanted to just leave early for our wedding but due to a few things I had to do in Utah we couldn't just pick up and leave. It was getting so hard to just be calm and relaxed. I felt like their were a ton of things I needed to do and I had to wait and do them. Having had 8 months to plan our wedding was way too long but things all worked out for the best.

We left for Arizona on June 25th. It was a Wednesday and my work had planned to have a little party for Dan and I as a congrats for getting married. It was fun but the entire time I could only think about how I wanted to leave! Dan was there and we escaped by 1:30. I remember getting back to his house and making sure EVERYTHING was packed in the car. We left Orem by 3 and were planning on going straight to Vegas and staying the night their with Dan's cousin Tom. By the time we made it to Vegas it was 8 pm there and I was so eager to get to AZ we just kept driving. I drove the ENTIRE way and we got to my house at 2 am or so. Dan was upset with me because he wanted to drive because it would give him more leg room. He never actually said this during the drive however but just kept asking if I was "okay" I would say "yes" and I would keep driving. I learned then that no matter how bad or fast I want to get somewhere... I may not be the only person in the car.

Thursday was a pretty hectic day. As much as I tried to sleep in, I couldn't. I got up early and started to do stuff. I can't remember all the errands we ran that day but we went and paid for all the food and the cake and got our marriage license that day. When we got our marriage license, we were fighting. We were both edgy from no sleep and it was super hot. We even argued over how he signed his "s" on his last name.

He was more than happy that night to have me and my mom go over to Lonna's baby shower... Lonna was my maid of honor and also almost 8 months pregnant! Her shower was fun and I got to see a few of my Az friends. My mom and I were exhausted and had to run back to our house to meet up with my sister in law (and photographer) Kate to get some of her equipment so we could take it over to the Secret Garden the next day during our set up time. While Kate was there Dan's oldest brother Dave and his wife Caroline rolled in from their long drive from Texas! This was my first time meeting both of them even thou I had known Dan for nearly a year. It was so fun because I had been told a few times by that point that I reminded the Calkins of Caroline. We left then and went to Outback to get some food and chat some more! It was great talking to them both and I immediately felt a little bit calmer about the how wedding and adjusting to the in laws fiasco that was going on in my head.

The Day Before Our Wedding:

That night was another hard one for me. I went to bed very late and got up very early. When I woke up that morning I started trying to do way too much. I got huge blisters on my fingers from struggling with trying to cut the center piece flowers and would not calm down! I was stressed about everything even though nothing bad had happened. My mom and I were trying to get everything ready to take over to the Secret Garden to set up and I was hardly helping. That morning, however Kate was sweet enough to take me to get a very needed pedicure! We got back to the house just in time to start driving things over to the Secret Garden. My mom was a miracle worker and finished sewing the table toppers and putting together center pieces and making sure all the skirts were hemmed for the bridesmaids.

Set up went great, Kirsten was a huge help, she knows how to do her job very well! She was telling every what to do and how to do it and at the same time was a doll. She really made it so we could get stuff done pronto and it looked great! That afternoon was our rehearsal as well as our bridal/couple photos. I was so stressed it was ridiculous. After setting up the reception hall I was supposed to go out and pick up our flowers for that night but I ran out of gas just as I was going to turn into a gas station in the left lane. I frantically called Dan who was a few miles away with his brother and they came and rescued me despite my frantic phone calls and not so positive attitude.

I finally made it to pick up the flowers and back to the Secret Garden to get ready. That was a fiasco in itself! Everything was going fine until of all stupid things to happen my favorite hair spray would not pump. I got super upset and only Kirsten knows what I said and how crazy I was acting over it! No other hairspray would do because mine was special... lol I am sure other hair spray would be fine but I was not ready to try a new one right before my pictures when I had tried to find one that would not make my curls frizzy and heavy in the heat. ANYWAY I stormed out and went to the three closest stores, none of which carried Aussie Spray Gel. I called my sister in law crying as well as Dan. I think everyone thought I was one step away from the looney bin. I got back up to my bridal suite and tried my hair spray again and it worked. Kirsten had gotten it to work while I was gone. I was embarrassed and quickly got back to work on getting ready.

All this time I was trying to focus on all the little things but had almost forgotten what was important about the commitment I was making the very next day. In the middle of me getting ready Dan and I were to meet with Murray Snow who was in the Stake Presidency of my home stake when I was in high school. I have always loved him and was so excited when he agreed to perform our marriage. In talking with him he reminded me to not stress the little things because in the end they don't matter. He also told us that he has seen lots of people get married and as a judge has seen a lot of people get divorced. He said that he believes that a couple can be completely in love but if they lack commitment then it cannot last. He said commitment doesn't always follow love my love always follows commitment.

He said he would have married us the next day if only we would have said that we were truly committed to each other and even if we couldn't say that we loved each other.. We do love each other and then he made us say why we loved each other and talked to us about what we were truly doing and made us promise him that we would be sealed in the temple and that this was just a stepping stone of commitments we are to make. That talk truly changed my outlook on our "wedding" I just kinda let go of the crazy little details (not to say I wasn't stressed) but I smiled a lot more and chilled out some after he talked to us.

Everyone then went out to have the rehearsal and I stayed up in my room to finish getting ready. Getting all the way ready for the first time took a lot longer than I had thought but I am glad we had done it once the day before our wedding so I knew. Tons of people from the rehearsal were wondering where I was so I was being bombarded with visitors between apply mascara and spray my curls. It was fun to see everyone and I hope I never have to do anything in this life where it takes me that long to get ready ever again! hahaha

I remember the first moment I saw Dan all dressed up in his suit and wearing his gerbera daisy on his collar I wanted to cry but all I could do was smile. My mom was crying however. Kate took a few pictures of us as we just stood their together and talked and kissed. Kate was so great to us and helpful as well as taking really great photos of our entire wedding. I had been kinda edgy about sitting on the grass in my dress but when all was said and done I actually relaxed during our session and I think pretty much did as I was told. I swirled around, drank tons of water and played with my parasol and was so excited. I felt like a princess... Kate did such an AMAZING job! We had so much fun taking pictures and even though it was hot it was not as bad as it would have been because their was a fire burning on South Mountain west of where we were and it gave this weird smoke cover. Their were even ashes falling during our photos.

Cooling down after the pictures was nice. We went back to my house and I just left everything behind at the Secret Garden. That night we even had Dan's siblings over to go swimming in my mom's pool and it was a great way to spend our last single night.

Our Wedding Day:

The next day we got up super early. Thankfully Dan had stayed somewhere else that night so he was able to sleep in. My mom and I went to run a few final errands in order to get stuff ready for drinks at the wedding and all that jazz. We got back home and my mom was making some final adjustments on the bridesmaid skirts before we went to our wedding luncheon at the Olive Garden.

Some sister missionaries showed up at my mom's front door and started talking to me about the church. I didn't interject anything about already being a member I just let the new one talk. Finally they asked me if I had ever heard of missionaries before. Thats when I told them that I was a member, I attend BYU and I was needing to leave for my wedding luncheon right then. They all giggled and asked if they could help. I just thought it was a fun odd thing to happen right then.

The luncheon was nice and fun and it was a good meal before our wedding. After that I went and picked up the flowers and went back out to the Secret Garden for the big show. Getting ready the same way a second time was a lot easier. I knew where to start and what to do first and what not to do, plus I didn't have very many distractions.

We were finally ready for the actually ceremony. I remember trying to watch as everyone walked out and took their place. It was hard to see what was going on from my window. Finally it was my turn. It felt like it was taking them FOREVER to get moving. My dad looked at my window and told me to come out. I was so nervous and excited! I had to walk down a huge staircase and remember thinking how am I going to do this without falling. When we got to the grass everyone was starring and I whispered to my dad how weird it was! I just remember laughing with him as we walked down. When we got down to the end I remember we almost didn't do the "Who gives this women away" because I always thought the answer was "I do" and the "I do" would be from my dad. I love my mom so much and I wanted her to be a part of it because she has had to deal with some of the hardest parts of raising me. Anyway President Snow had spoken to both of my parents and my dad said "Her mother and I do" It was really nice and I am glad we did it that way.

I don't think I could have smiled any bigger through out our entire ceremony. President Snow did an amazing job. He talked about the commitment we were making and he even quoted Fiddler on the Roof after he spoke about love always follows commitment (he quoted this entire song and it was great!):

(Tevye)
"Golde, I have decided to give Perchik permission to become engaged to our daughter, Hodel."

(Golde)
"What??? He's poor! He has nothing, absolutely nothing!"

(Tevye)
"He's a good man, Golde.
I like him. And what's more important, Hodel likes him. Hodel loves him.
So what can we do?
It's a new world... A new world. Love. Golde..."

Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I what?

(Tevye)
Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion

(Tevye)
"Golde I'm asking you a question..."

Do you love me?

(Golde)
You're a fool

(Tevye)
"I know..."

But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared

(Golde)
I was shy

(Tevye)
I was nervous

(Golde)
So was I

(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we'd learn to love each other
And now I'm asking, Golde
Do you love me?

(Golde)
I'm your wife

(Tevye)
"I know..."
But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

(Tevye)
Then you love me?

(Golde)
I suppose I do

(Tevye)
And I suppose I love you too

(Both)
It doesn't change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

We then said our vows and exchanged rings and I just couldn't believe it was actually happening. I remember once looking at everyone out in the chairs and they were all fanning themselves with the paper fans we had put out and I was so happy I had decided to buy paper fans. They had been one of my should I do this or is it stupid things. hahaha.

Standing their with my husband was so unreal. I could help but want to just run over and hug him and hold him. He was so handsome and I loved him so much right then I felt like I was going to burst. It was the happiest moment of my life. I can't wait to have more moments like that with the most amazing man I have ever known.

It was such a beautiful wedding day. So many people where there to help! After the ceremony Dan's Grandma came up to me and told me I reminded her of Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind coming down the staircase... I just laughed.. Our reception was great. We had a cute little cake that we cut near the beginning and I was happy that it all got eaten. We had plenty of water and lemonade and plenty of people their to enjoy our day with us. My little brother Brett's band did a great job, they even sang while we did our first dance to the song Green Eyes by Coldplay. My dad sang a few songs and I was shocked when I saw people get out on the dance floor and dance. It was so much fun. Dans siblings even got in on the music action and played a few songs.

It was so much fun and I just remember being so excited and happy and tired! At the end of the evening I went back up and packed up my stuff. My mom told me I didn't need to but I wanted to help. So I packed up a lot of things and took them downstairs to my little car... which Dan's siblings had so colorfully decorated. We stayed at the Legacy Golf Course that night which was a block away from our reception. I felt weird leaving everyone else their to clean up the mess but my mom kept telling me to stop helping and to just leave. hahaha

My Birthday:

The next day was my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my mother in law wishing me a happy birthday. I then talked Dan into getting up at 7:30 to meet his family for breakfast. We went to their hotel then drove over to US Egg near Mill Ave. It was fun to sit around with almost all of the Calkins side and hang out. After that Dan and I went back to my mom's house and unloaded my car. We then opened wedding presents as well as my birthday present. My mom got me a wedding/birthday present which she so cutely wrapped (half the box was wrapped in wedding paper and the other half in birthday paper). Dan was to open the wedding part and I the birthday. When I opened it I saw that she bought me Viking sewing machine. I was very surprised and super excited. It meant even more to me when she told me that she had received a viking sewing machine for her wedding and since I was born she has known that this is what she wanted to give me for my wedding! I love my momma! We went over to my Dads after that and did birthday and wedding cards and then it was off to Cibola Vista Resort in Peoria.

Honeymoon:

We spent most of our honeymoon by the pool or at the movies!

Life is a highway... a very expensive highway like the one they are building at Hoover Dam

My mind keeps throwing it in my face that in just 6 months from now, Dan and I will be getting married and will have a whole onslaught of new expenses that I have never had before. Health Insurance for 2, 2 peoples car insurances, car payment for 1, gas money for 2, SCHOOL FOR 2, an apartment for 2, food for 2, all of our own utilities, and numerous other amounts of things that come along.

I have seriously taken advantage of the fact that in the past 3 and a half years I have not had a car (until now), been splitting utilities between up to 5-7 girls and have had all say (for the most part) on how to spend my money. Now I have to think about, well, how soon can we be debt free and BURN our credit cards, how much money can I get back from my rental deposit, textbooks, dvds, etc., how cheap of an apartment can we get (I am getting pretty excited about these run down little holes in SLC).

I am not at all upset about the fact that I will no longer be a single vagabond moving every year from apartment to house, from boyfriend to hook up back to boyfriend as the cycle repeats itself. I look forward to the fact that Daniel and I will have a small place to call our own. I can't ensure him that we will have much, but he brings a nice comfy enormous bed into our marriage and I bring with me some dishes and a job.

So when it comes down to it, and we are scrounging around to get by and we spend most of our nights sitting in our furnitureless apartment on our large bed eating dinner off the actual dishes we own, we will have each other.

I love Daniel. I can't think of another person in this world that I could have as much fun doing nothing with, as well as everything with, than him. I have never had someone so full of life and energy and excitement as Daniel is even thou we don't always show that side of ourselves to others, we show each other.

While telling Dan some of my favorite childhood memories today at lunch, I saw so much in him in that moment of him listening to me. His eyes lit up with everything I have ever felt and his interest and love for me shown through... I am so lucky to share this adventure with him, no matter what the cost.