Monday, December 31, 2012

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas 2012

Can't believe Christmas is over! Its been a crazy December. We decided to stay in Utah for Christmas instead of traveling, which to be honest I'm glad we didn't travel though I missed my family a lot. Dan's Aunt passed away on the 21st pretty unexpectedly so I'm glad we could be here for his mom and for the funeral next week. 
 
We spent Christmas Eve Eve ;) through Christmas Day at Dan's parents and opened up presents there. Ava had a ton of fun. She liked to take her time and look at her present after she opened it. She got 2 books that she really liked that stopped gift opening for at least 15 minutes while she looked at them and then again when she opened a box of dinosaurs :)  
She loved her toy story dolls the most I think. Those were her big gift this Christmas and they were such a hit :) She has not put Woody or his hat down since she opened him up! She's such a sweet girl, I'm so grateful for her and the joy she brings our family! I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas with our sweet little girl!


Saturday, December 15, 2012

2 Years and Work decision

2 years ago today I woke up around 5 am with Ava and held her and cried. I cried because A) 9 months old was the age my sister was when she passed away and that fact completely broke my heart, that my mom had to go through that, it felt so unfair and wrong and B) I knew that we needed to start trying again for another baby and I already longed so much to be pregnant. I had been feeling like that for a few months, I had always always wanted our kids really close in age. I figured it would take us a few months this time but we'd have the 2 year spacing and all would be great.

Months went by and I started to realize that we weren't going to get the 2 year spacing, so I started to hope for 2 1/2.... 3... 3 1/2... 4.  I'm coming to terms (ever so slowly) with the fact that my children won't be close in age. I'm trying to cope with the fact that what I thought my life would be like is not how its going to be. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my children won't be in the same schools very much together, if at all. They won't be in high school at the same time for sure and they may not even be teenagers at the same time. I'm trying to think of how it would feel like for a child at the age of 11/12/13 to have their next older sibling move out of the house and leave for college. That I won't have 4 kids like I wanted and that 2 kids is our new number. These are all things I didn't think about and things that I'm not used to since my brothers and I are all extremely close in age. I'm trying to also come to terms with the idea that we may never have another child. That we may only have 1 and I need to learn to be okay with that.

So this has been our life for 2 years. Day in, day out, every single day all day long. Its always there. Its been a huge trial for our marriage so when people trivialize what we are going through it breaks my heart because most people don't know what this has been like for us, for our family. This however has made me even more grateful for Ava as I know how rare and precious she is. She has been the saving grace in this entire thing because the rest of it has been utter hell for us.

I have heard, seen, listened to nearly 100 (if not more) pregnancy announcements from friends and family in the last 2 years. Its been very hard. I've distanced myself from friends and loved ones as a way to protect myself. It hasn't been working too great though, I'm still sad and I'm still hurt and I have way fewer friends than I used to.  I've been trying to figure out what changes I can make in my life to change the situation we are in, either it be we get pregnant or adopt or basically give up and move on with life. I've felt like the last 2 years have been a huge waste of time (when it comes to getting pregnant) and that I've made 0 progress towards anything substantial. Its been a big 2 year pity party.

So the first thing I've decided to do is stop working for awhile. It may seem like I have a little part time job but really my etsy shop is a big full time job on top of my other full time job of being a mom. I work really really long hours and I work every single night in order to keep up with orders. As hard as it will be for me to take a break (because i wouldn't work if i didn't love it) I know I need a break. I know I need to be able to feel rested if I want a fighting chance at working out, eating healthy, losing weight and ultimately going through infertility treatments. I hope I this break will be good for me.

We appreciate the prayers said on our behalf and pray that we will ultimately above all else be able to find peace with whatever path our family takes (but I really hope that path is a new baby)


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

2012 Review


2012

January: 
We converted Ava's crib to a toddler bed :)

February: 
Cousin Asher was born! And Ava had her 2 year portraits done. Aunt Lisa moved to Korea and Ava and Mommy went to Arizona for 3 weeks into March for Ava's birthday. 



March: 
Miss Ava turned TWO! Dad came down for the last weekend of the trip so we could have a birthday party for Ava! We went to the Phoenix Botanical Garden with Aunt Kate. We found out Aunt Kate was having a GIRL! On our way home from Arizona we went and stayed in Las Vegas for a night. 


April: 
We celebrated Ava's 3rd Easter! We took her to the Orem City Easter egg hunt. We also went to the tulip festival with Grama and Grampa at Thanksgiving Point. Ava officially got rid of the BINKY at 25 months :)



May: 
Dad went to the Indy 500 and Mom and Ava went to Arizona again :) We played in the water a lot and went to the zoo. 

June: 
We celebrated Ellerie by having a baby shower for her in Arizona! We also went to the Phoenix Childrens Museum with Aunt Kate and Uncle Kirk. Once back in Utah we took Ava to the Orem Carnival. She got sick with a crummy case of Hand foot and mouth disease for a few weeks. After that we took her to the Freedom Festival at the Riverwoods. We went to eat at Ruths diner for moms birthday and went swimming at the Orem City pool and then we did photos at Fotoflyaway at Thanksgiving Point. Mom turned 26! and mom and dad celebrated their 4 year wedding anniversary. 


July: 
We went to the Balloon Festival in Provo again this year. We also went to the farm at Thanksgiving point. We had a work party for Dads work up the canyon and at the end of the month Dad got a truck!

August: 
Grandma and Grandpa Lane came to visit. Ava got to meet cousin Asher for the first time! Ava moved into a twin size bed! She also moved forward facing in the car. Cousin Ellie was born on the 11th. We went boating for the first (and probably the last) time at Utah lake with some work friends. 



September: 
Cousin Ellie and Aunt Kate came to visit! We took them to do lots of fun things while they were here! Ava tried 1 month of dance class before we decided to forgo dance till next year. Dad got laid off his job but found a new job all in the same week. So that was a big blessing. Dad turned 26 and mom and dad got to g on a fun date to celebrate 5 years since their first date.


October: 
Cousin William was born! Ava got 3 new cousins this year! Ava started Little Gym. We went to the pumpkin patch again this year and played in the corn. Grandma and Jill came for a surprise visit! That was super exciting! Mom and Ava went to see Brave together at the dollar theater and they went to the petting zoo at Gardeners Village. We went to grama and grampas ward party, carved pumpkins and trick or treated at Dads work. We also had family pictures done at fotofly. 




November: 
We had our first big snow storm. Asher came back to visit for Thanksgiving. We celebrated thanksgiving at Grama and Grampas house. We bought a christmas tree with Grama and Aunt Caroline and then we also got a tree for our house! We went to see the Christmas lights in Salt Lake at Temple Square.



December: 
So far we spent most of this month sick. Ava's tubes have fallen out and she has her first ear infection since she got tubes a year and a half ago. She's still super happy however, not sure how she does it.  We are staying here in Utah this Christmas and are looking forward to enjoying our first Christmas as our little family. 


Things we are looking forward to in 2013... Buying/moving/renting a house!!! Whatever the case may be we are MOVING out of our condo (which we have outgrown a ton this year). We are also hoping to get a step closer to adding more babies to our family!! We have been trying unsuccessfully for 2 years now and we pray that 2013 is our year to have some success!