2 Years and Work decision

2 years ago today I woke up around 5 am with Ava and held her and cried. I cried because A) 9 months old was the age my sister was when she passed away and that fact completely broke my heart, that my mom had to go through that, it felt so unfair and wrong and B) I knew that we needed to start trying again for another baby and I already longed so much to be pregnant. I had been feeling like that for a few months, I had always always wanted our kids really close in age. I figured it would take us a few months this time but we'd have the 2 year spacing and all would be great.

Months went by and I started to realize that we weren't going to get the 2 year spacing, so I started to hope for 2 1/2.... 3... 3 1/2... 4.  I'm coming to terms (ever so slowly) with the fact that my children won't be close in age. I'm trying to cope with the fact that what I thought my life would be like is not how its going to be. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my children won't be in the same schools very much together, if at all. They won't be in high school at the same time for sure and they may not even be teenagers at the same time. I'm trying to think of how it would feel like for a child at the age of 11/12/13 to have their next older sibling move out of the house and leave for college. That I won't have 4 kids like I wanted and that 2 kids is our new number. These are all things I didn't think about and things that I'm not used to since my brothers and I are all extremely close in age. I'm trying to also come to terms with the idea that we may never have another child. That we may only have 1 and I need to learn to be okay with that.

So this has been our life for 2 years. Day in, day out, every single day all day long. Its always there. Its been a huge trial for our marriage so when people trivialize what we are going through it breaks my heart because most people don't know what this has been like for us, for our family. This however has made me even more grateful for Ava as I know how rare and precious she is. She has been the saving grace in this entire thing because the rest of it has been utter hell for us.

I have heard, seen, listened to nearly 100 (if not more) pregnancy announcements from friends and family in the last 2 years. Its been very hard. I've distanced myself from friends and loved ones as a way to protect myself. It hasn't been working too great though, I'm still sad and I'm still hurt and I have way fewer friends than I used to.  I've been trying to figure out what changes I can make in my life to change the situation we are in, either it be we get pregnant or adopt or basically give up and move on with life. I've felt like the last 2 years have been a huge waste of time (when it comes to getting pregnant) and that I've made 0 progress towards anything substantial. Its been a big 2 year pity party.

So the first thing I've decided to do is stop working for awhile. It may seem like I have a little part time job but really my etsy shop is a big full time job on top of my other full time job of being a mom. I work really really long hours and I work every single night in order to keep up with orders. As hard as it will be for me to take a break (because i wouldn't work if i didn't love it) I know I need a break. I know I need to be able to feel rested if I want a fighting chance at working out, eating healthy, losing weight and ultimately going through infertility treatments. I hope I this break will be good for me.

We appreciate the prayers said on our behalf and pray that we will ultimately above all else be able to find peace with whatever path our family takes (but I really hope that path is a new baby)